My Sobriety

I officially celebrated one year of sobriety (09/21/09) from all mind-altering substances. I went from having one foot in the gates of Utah State Prison, to graduating high school, rehab, and almost graduating Felony Drug Court. Felony Drug Court is a program designed to provide drug users and dealers an alternative to prison. It's almost impossible, but not quite.
I plead into drug court almost 2 1/2 years ago, with a "fake it till you make it" attitude. The judge saw right through me. Props to him, because if he didn't, I would probably still be out there, usin and abusin till I was in a cell.....or worse. After several relapses, which I never thought were serious, I was re-assessed for the third time. I went to court, knowing I was going to spend a good minute in jail, to be held accountable for my actions. That's what saved me. The judge was going to kick me out of drug court and sentence me the pleas I had entered. Which would have given me 1-15 years in prison. However, having at least the integrity to face the music, he offered an alternative. After doing about six months in jail, he released me to the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Program. I had arrived. Almost immediately I became chairman and secretary over several of the 12 step meetings. I think I was "faking it till I made it" at first. No, I definately was. Then, something clicked.....I met my sponsor at the time, lets call him Weezie.

I had been introduced to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous upon my arrival, however he sat down with me and broke it down. Ol' boy from Chi-town showed me the path. The first step, admit I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. Could I do that? Of course not! I'm in control of my life and I can manage it! Yeah right...that's why I was court-ordered into a treatment center, and I had nothing else left. That, Weezie helped me realize. So, I let go of the steering wheel, and turned it over to something else. Thus, completing my second step. Now, I had to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him. Similar to the first, I had to relinquish the control I had fought to keep. Doing that was a huge ego check. I always thought that I was the center of the universe (sometimes I still think I am), and now I had to realize I was a speck.

As a speck, I needed to learn humility, thus bringing me to the fourth step. Making a written moral inventory of all those I had wronged, and of whom I had thought wronged me. Alot of people struggle with this, as did I. I very well knew how many people I had hurt, but how much damage did this tornado of addiction do? I listed how I changed lives by the decisions I had made. That, my friends, is where I found my first sense of humility. Then, I met humility face-to-face. Doing my fifth step, I had to admit to my sponsor what exactly I had done. People report huge burdens lifted off of their shoulders. It was the opposite with me. I never took the time to think about what I had done, now I had just told my sponsor EVERYTHING. It's what I needed. I faced my faults and flaws for the first time, and I was ready to ask my higher power to remove them. I prayed. I prayed, and I prayed some more....I didn't feel anything, hear anything, I still felt like the same old self-centered Sid.

Nevertheless, I committed myself to these 12 steps, and by God I was going to stick with them. Just like I was fully immersed in my addiction, such was my immersion into recovery. I began relisting every single person I had wronged. After that, I pursued these people. Making apologies everywhere I turned. Although sincere, were obviously met with slammed doors, abrupt hang ups, and stern "fuck yous." I kept goin, I checked name after name after name off that list. I was right with the world.

By this time, I was an AA Nazi. Preaching about recovery, the 12 steps, giving my experience, strength and hope to a house full of dope fiends and dealers such as myself. I spoke, and spoke, and spoke. One day, a guy I knew walked in through the front doors of the Salvation Army. I knew him from the bad old days. He was astounded by the transformation. As was I. I never fully understood how I had changed. It had hit me. I am spreading the message to fellow alcoholics and addicts, thus completing the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.

I graduated, said my heart-felt goodbyes to the entire house, of which I had made deep, deep bonds with. I moved into my own place, and even now, almost everyday, I ask myself "Am I still an addict?" The same answer comes to mind everytime. "Yes, I am an addict, recovering, but still an addict." I cannot take my sobriety for granted. Every person I see that does, falls off....bigtime. I catch myself thinking "I can have just one drink, I was never was a heavy drinker, I can do this." Bullshit I can. I know I can't.

This one goes out to the ones in the streets, still livin the trife, panhandling all day long for that next jum. Apologies for taking advantage of that. This one is for behind bars till 2000-what the fuck, and much love to the ones that didn't make it. Rest In Peace.

Are you in recovery? Are you looking for help, but can't seem to find it? How do you deal with your (or your son/daughter/father/mother)s relapse?Or maybe you wanna post your sobriety time. Of course, as far as recovery goes, first names only please. Don't hesitate to post a comment.

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